Come in peace. Go in peace.

I cannot describe how sad I am. How I feel, now, and about the last 8 years at least. I know I made stupid bets. And its stupid, but I have little to no regrets: I cannot see how to roll differently. Then, now. Some people though, over these years made me feel like I'm in the way. Unwanted, inappropiate. Wherever stay or went, out or even my home. Property and subservient to some tribe, a family, a government, and politics. Had I known any other of them.. but there was only one. And with a despair of her own.

I so much wished to get on, on myself. Make friends, of myself. Real time. But felt stuck. I am still trying to deal now with the quotes and meme's, that I repeated once here on this page. Which I only wrote down post facto, for years after in confusion. I wanted to leave false hopes behind. Now I'm afraid. Of those double moments in 2007 with no specific outcome either way. With plenty of downloads at the time, and so many more later. It overshadows not only the desperate years after in my mind, but keeps getting back at times and places of childhood. The protective shell. The community. The people. Waste, guilt, enmnity. And of sometimes memories of childhood, or easier, sunny times.
But refound nightmares too, previous experiences some excarberated, unjustified, reversed, magnified. Maybe in a new light or maybe the same old. And afraid of the years to come. Knowing what I'd still want to do, what it brought -- how I'll dig in deeper. I once looked for self defence, I found it of a sort at big a cost already.

2006 was a sunny year still. Problematic, but not lonely, isolated and dark. Then came so much conflicting thoughts, expectations, suggestions, warnings and -- frankly -- taunts and contempt. I thought a lot daily about recounting. Writing up and publishing that insignificant thing of "my pov", in public view. Its been a long time. And will be for me at least as much more. My regret is I cannot perceive much beyond this. And see coming more of that I found then in 2007. With me left is what I always took along, how I learned being on my own and go along by myself. Too early.